From Passive to Powerful: How a Man Can Become More Assertive in a Relationship

As a man, have you ever felt like your voice gets lost in your relationship? Maybe you find yourself always going along with what your girlfriend or wife wants, even when it’s not what you truly desire. 

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many men struggle with being assertive in their relationships, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

Let’s see how you can become more assertive and create a healthier, more balanced partnership.

Understanding Assertiveness

Before we talk about how to be more assertive, let’s clear up what assertiveness really means. It’s not about being aggressive or domineering. Instead, assertiveness is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful way.

What Assertiveness Is Not

Assertiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not:

• Being rude or mean to your partner
• Always getting your way in the relationship
• Ignoring your girlfriend’s or wife’s needs
• Yelling or using force to make your point

What Assertiveness Is

True assertiveness means:

• Speaking up for yourself when something bothers you
• Expressing your feelings honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable
• Respecting yourself and your partner equally
• Finding win-win solutions that work for both of you

Why Being Assertive Matters

You might wonder why it’s so important to be assertive. After all, isn’t it easier to just go with the flow and keep the peace? While it might seem simpler in the short term, a lack of assertiveness can lead to big problems down the road.

Build Resentment

When you don’t express your needs, resentment can build up over time. For example, let’s say your girlfriend always chooses the movies you watch together, and you never speak up about wanting to watch something different. 

At first, it might not seem like a big deal. But after months of watching films you don’t enjoy, you might start feeling angry or frustrated with her, even though she doesn’t know what’s bothering you. 

This can create a wedge in your relationship and lead to bigger conflicts later on.

Lose Yourself

Always putting your partner’s needs first can make you lose sight of who you are. Maybe you used to love playing basketball on weekends, but you’ve stopped because your wife prefers you spend that time with her. 

Over time, you might forget your own interests and goals, which can lead to a loss of self-esteem and identity, which makes you feel like you’re just living someone else’s life.

Unbalanced Relationship

A relationship where one person always gives in isn’t healthy. It can create an uneven power dynamic that’s bad for both partners. 

For instance, if you always let your girlfriend decide where you’ll go for dinner, she might start taking your preferences for granted. You might feel undervalued, and she might not even realize she’s not considering your wishes.

Signs You Need to Be More Assertive

Not sure if you need to work on your assertiveness? Here are some signs to look out for:

1. You often agree to plans you don’t really want, like going to a party when you’d rather stay home
2. You feel like your needs aren’t being met, such as wanting more alone time but never asking for it
3. You have trouble saying “no” when your partner asks you to do something, even if you’re already overwhelmed
4. You avoid bringing up issues, like financial concerns, to avoid conflict
5. You feel resentful or angry but don’t express it, like when your wife makes decisions without consulting you
6. You feel like your opinion doesn’t matter in big decisions, such as where to live or how to raise your kids

If any of these sound familiar, it’s time to work on being more assertive.

The Benefits of Being Assertive

Becoming more assertive can bring many positive changes to your relationship and your life. Let’s look at some of the benefits:

Improved Communication

When you’re assertive, you express your thoughts and feelings clearly, which leads to better communication with your partner. 

For example, instead of silently fuming when your girlfriend is late for a date, you can calmly explain how her lateness makes you feel. She’ll understand you better, and you’ll have fewer misunderstandings.

Greater Self-Esteem

You can boost your self-esteem by standing up for yourself. You’ll feel more confident and sure of yourself. For instance, when you assert your need for some alone time and your wife respects it, you’ll feel more valued and confident in expressing your needs in the future.

More Respect

When you respect yourself enough to be assertive, others are more likely to respect you too. Your partner will see that you value yourself, which can increase their respect for you. 

For example, if you stand firm on your decision to visit your family for the holidays, your girlfriend might admire your commitment to your relationships.

Healthier Relationship

Assertiveness can also lead to a more balanced relationship. As both partners feel heard and valued, therefore it can lead to greater intimacy and a stronger bond between you and your partner. 

For instance, when both you and your wife feel comfortable expressing your needs and compromising, you’ll likely feel closer and more connected.

How to Become More Assertive

Now that we understand why assertiveness is necessary, let’s look at how you can become more assertive in your relationship.

1. Know Your Worth

The first step in being assertive is believing that your needs and feelings matter. You are just as important as your partner. Your thoughts and feelings deserve to be heard and respected.

You can start by making a list of your positive qualities. What do you bring to the relationship? Maybe you’re a great listener, or you always remember important dates. What are your strengths? Perhaps you’re great at problem-solving, or you have a knack for making your partner laugh.

Remind yourself of these regularly. When you value yourself, it becomes easier to speak up for what you need.

2. Identify Your Needs

Before expressing your needs, you need to know what they are. Take some time to think about what’s important to you in your relationship. What makes you feel loved and respected? What are your deal-breakers?

Write these down and reflect on them. Are these needs being met in your current relationship? For example, you might realize that quality time is really important to you, but you and your girlfriend have been spending less time together lately.

Or maybe you value open communication, but you’ve been keeping your feelings bottled up. These are areas where you might need to be more assertive.

3. Use “I” Statements

When you’re ready to express your needs, use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when we talk.” Such an approach is less likely to make your partner defensive and more likely to lead to a productive conversation.

Here are some examples:

• “I feel frustrated when plans change at the last minute without my input.”
• “I need some alone time to recharge after a long day at work.”
• “I would like to spend more quality time together without our phones.”

Practice these statements before you use them. Say them out loud to yourself or a friend until they feel natural. For example, you might practice saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to make all the decisions about our finances. I’d like us to discuss our budget together.”

4. Set Boundaries

As you know, boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship. They help you protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. So setting boundaries is a key part of being assertive.

You can start small. Maybe you need an hour of alone time each day to decompress after work, or you don’t want to be contacted during important meetings. Communicate these boundaries clearly to your partner.

For example, you might say to your wife, “I need some time to myself when I first get home from work. Can we agree that I’ll have 30 minutes to unwind before we discuss our days?”

Keep in mind that it’s okay to say no to things that cross your boundaries. If your girlfriend wants to go out every weekend but you need some downtime, it’s okay to say, “I enjoy our nights out, but I also need some quiet nights at home. How about we go out every other weekend?”

5. Practice Active Listening

Assertiveness isn’t just about speaking up. It’s also about listening. When your partner speaks, give them your full attention. Try to understand their perspective, even if you disagree.

After they’ve finished speaking, summarize what you heard to make sure you understood correctly. 

For example, if your wife expresses frustration about household chores, you might say, “So, if I understand correctly, you feel like you’re doing more of the housework, and you’d like me to help out more. Is that right?”

By doing this, you show that you value their input, and it helps prevent misunderstandings. It also sets the stage for a more productive conversation where both of you feel heard.

6. Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing is also important when it comes to assertive communication. Choose a time when both you and your partner are calm and not distracted. Avoid bringing up serious issues when either of you is tired, hungry, or stressed.

For instance, if you want to discuss your concerns about your girlfriend’s spending habits, don’t bring it up right after she’s had a stressful day at work. Instead, you might say, “I’d like to talk about our budget. Is tomorrow evening after dinner a good time for you?”

Find a private place where you can talk without interruptions. Turn off your phones and give each other your full attention – it might mean waiting until the kids are in bed or going for a walk together where you can speak privately.

7. Be Specific and Direct

When expressing your needs or concerns, be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, “You don’t help enough around the house,” try, “I would appreciate it if you could do the dishes on weeknights while I take care of the laundry.”

Being direct doesn’t mean being rude. You can be kind and respectful while still clearly stating what you need. For example, instead of hinting that you’d like more affection, you could say, “I really enjoy it when we hold hands or hug. Could we make an effort to do that more often?”

8. Use Body Language

Your body language can reinforce your words. Stand or sit up straight. Make eye contact with your partner. Keep your arms uncrossed to show openness. These non-verbal cues demonstrate confidence and sincerity.

Practice these postures in front of a mirror. Notice how they make you feel. Over time, they’ll become more natural and will help you feel more assertive. 

For example, the next time you’re discussing something important with your wife, consciously relax your shoulders, maintain eye contact, and speak in a calm, steady voice.

9. Stay Calm

It’s normal to feel nervous when you’re learning to be more assertive. Your heart might race, or your palms might get sweaty. That’s okay. Take deep breaths to help you stay calm. 

If you feel yourself getting angry or upset during a conversation with your girlfriend, you can take a break. You might say something like, “I’m feeling pretty emotional right now, and I want to make sure we can discuss this calmly. Can we pause for 15 minutes and then come back to this?”

10. Be Prepared for Resistance

When you start being more assertive, your partner might be surprised or even resistant at first. They’re used to the old dynamic, and change can be uncomfortable. Stay patient and consistent. Remind your partner that you’re doing this to improve your relationship. 

For example, if your wife seems upset that you’re saying no more often, you might say, “I know this is different from how I’ve acted in the past. I’m working on being more honest about my needs because I believe it will make our relationship stronger in the long run.”

With time, they’ll likely appreciate your honesty and directness. Many partners find that they prefer an assertive partner who communicates clearly and directly. 

Remember, becoming more assertive is a journey. It takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work on this important skill. With persistence and open communication, you can create a more balanced, fulfilling relationship where both of you feel heard and valued.

Overcoming Common Challenges

Becoming more assertive isn’t always easy. Along the way, you might face some challenges along the way. Here are some common obstacles and how to overcome them.

Fear of Conflict

Many men avoid being assertive because they’re afraid of starting a fight. You might worry that speaking up will lead to an argument with your girlfriend or wife. However, assertiveness isn’t about conflict. It’s about open, honest communication.

Start with small issues to build your confidence. For example, if you’ve always let your partner choose the restaurant for date night, you could say, “I appreciate that you often choose where we eat, but I’d like to suggest a place this time. How about we try that new Italian restaurant?”

As you see positive results from these smaller assertions, you’ll feel more comfortable addressing bigger topics. You might find that your partner appreciates your input and that many conflicts can be avoided through clear communication.

Guilt

Sometimes, you might feel guilty for putting your needs first. Perhaps you’ve always been the one to compromise, and now you feel selfish for wanting things your way. But, taking care of yourself is necessary for a healthy relationship and isn’t selfish. 

Think of it this way: when you’re happy and fulfilled, you have more to give to your relationship. It’s a win-win situation. 

For example, if you take time for yourself to go to the gym or pursue a hobby, you’ll likely come back to your relationship feeling refreshed and more engaged.

Try saying to your wife, “I know I usually watch your favorite shows with you every evening, but I’d like to use Tuesday nights to work on my photography. I think having this time for my hobby will help me feel more balanced and happy overall.”

Low Self-Esteem

If you struggle with low self-esteem, being assertive might feel impossible. You might think your opinions don’t matter or that you don’t deserve to have your needs met. 

You need to work on your self-worth. Each day, try to acknowledge one thing you did well or one quality you like about yourself. It could be as simple as, “I’m a good friend” or “I handled that work situation well today.”

Seek therapy if needed. A professional can help you work through self-esteem issues and develop strategies for being more assertive. As you start to value yourself more, being assertive will become easier.

Lack of Practice

Like any skill, assertiveness takes practice. You might fumble your words or feel awkward at first. That’s normal and okay. Keep trying, and it will get easier over time. Consider role-playing with a friend or therapist to practice assertive communication in a safe environment. 

You could practice scenarios like asking your girlfriend for more alone time or discussing financial concerns with your wife. For example, you might practice saying: “Honey, I know we usually spend all weekend together, but I’d like to use Sunday afternoons to catch up with my friends. How do you feel about that?”

Applying Assertiveness in Different Situations

Let’s see how you can apply assertiveness in various aspects of your relationship:

Decision Making

In many relationships, one partner often takes the lead in making decisions. If you want to be more involved, try saying something like: “I appreciate that you often take charge of planning our vacations, but I’d like us to plan our next trip together. Can we sit down this weekend and discuss our options?”

Intimacy

Discussing physical and emotional intimacy can be challenging, but it’s essential for a healthy relationship. You might say: “I really enjoy our intimate moments, but I’ve noticed we’re not as close lately. Can we talk about how we can prioritize our connection?”

Finances

Money matters can be a source of tension. Be clear about your financial goals and concerns. For instance: “I know we both work hard for our money. I think it would be helpful if we could sit down once a month to review our budget and make sure we’re on the same page about our spending and saving.”

Family and Friends

Balancing time between your relationship and other important people in your life can be tricky. You might need to assert your needs by saying: “I love spending time with your family, but I also want to make sure we have time for my family. How about we alternate holiday visits this year?”

When to Seek Help

While these strategies can help many men become more assertive, sometimes professional help is needed. Consider seeking help from a therapist or relationship counselor if:

• You’ve tried these strategies and still struggle with assertiveness
• Your lack of assertiveness is causing severe anxiety or depression
• Your relationship is suffering due to communication issues
• You’re dealing with trauma or abuse that makes assertiveness difficult

For example, you might say to your partner: “I’ve been trying to be more assertive, but I’m finding it really challenging. I think it would be helpful for us to talk to a relationship counselor together. Would you be open to that?”

Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you value yourself and your relationship enough to invest in improving them.

Wrap Up

Becoming more assertive as a man in your relationship is a journey. It takes time, practice, and patience. But the rewards are worth it. A more assertive you leads to better communication, increased self-esteem, and a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Start small. Choose one area where you’d like to be more assertive and focus on that. Maybe you’ll start by expressing your preference for weekend activities or by setting a boundary around work hours. As you gain confidence, you can apply these skills to other areas of your relationship and life.

You deserve to have your voice heard and your needs met. By learning to be more assertive, you’re not just improving your relationship – you’re investing in yourself. And that’s something truly worth celebrating.

Imagine a relationship where both you and your partner feel heard, respected, and valued, where you can openly discuss your needs without fear of conflict, and where you feel confident in expressing your opinions and setting healthy boundaries. You see, this is what assertiveness can bring to your relationship.

So take that first step. The next time you feel the urge to just go along with what your partner wants, pause. Take a deep breath, and express your true feelings or desires. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it will become more natural. And you’ll likely find that your partner appreciates your honesty and directness.

Your journey to assertiveness starts now. Embrace it, practice it, and watch as it transforms not just your relationship but your entire approach to life.